“Eyugh, why your shoes look like the Nike version of the generic 2K13 shoes? Where did you get those, Big 5? Did Volvo buy them for you?”
“This is the most shameful moment of my entire life. I look like an Oklahoma City resident. I’m Russell Wesstbrook, goddammit.”
Doris Burke: So what is it exactly that happened, Russ?
Westbrook: Well Delores, I was going up for a shot and when I saw him coming, I thought I would transform into Michelangelo and throw him completely off, but then I remembered that Ninja Turtles don’t transform, they’re pretty much in a Ninja Turtle state all the time. That ended up throwing me off, and that’s why I was on the floor for so long.
Doris: So it…….wasn’t an injury?
Westbrook: Injury? Woman, I am inconquerable.
Doris: Russ, I don’t even think that’s a word….
Westbrook DID IT COME OUT MY MOUTH?
Doris: It did.
Westbrook: THEN IT’S A WORD NOW. GODDAMMIT, I’M ALL HURT AND SHIT……
Doris: So you ARE injured.
Westbrook: DID I SAY THAT, DORIS?!?! I’M HURT! IF I WAS INJURED, OR IF I HAD THE CAPABILITY TO BE INJURED, THEN I WOULD SAY I WAS INJURED!
“Wait a minute, WHO’S my backup? Oh hell no! Let me get my ass up, I’m good…….I’m……..goddammit……I’m GOOD!……..goddammit…”
“Wait a minute. Where did they all come from? Craig, you said these were all for me. That’s the only reason I’m here……..those are mine, Craig…….how could you do this to me? Right in the back, man…..”
Westbrook: “I need some official kind of classical epic type music for these exact moments……..I wonder what John Williams is doing right now……also have to find a way to completely freeze time…….who would I call for that?”
Westbrook: “Wait hold on, am I the only one that sees the way I’m looking right now, like a bronzed god? By the way, I think I want my statue outside the stadium to look just like this. Matter of fact, why don’t we go on a TV timeout so that my personal sculptor can get this look down perfectly. Scottie, my man. Call a time out. We have some very important artistic business to take care of.”
Doris Burke: “Explain what happened when you were on the opposite side of the court from your defensive assignment Tony Parker, who happened to make both the game tying and the game winning shots.”
Westbrook: “Well you see Dolores, that was all part of my complex plan. The idea is to leave Tony Parker so wide open that he himself is in utter disbelief that he’s that wide open, and then when he shoots it, it never goes in, because he’s used to having to work so hard to get his shots. I decided to turn that around. Let’s see how it plays out…..”
Doris Burke: “………and…..how did that work out for you?”
Westbrook: “TRIAL AND ERROR, BORIS, TRIAL AND ERROR!!!!!”